I spent some time today summarizing in (hand)writing the myriad things I've thought and felt about Nat's suicide, and I suspect I'll be doing so for a long while. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I feel especially awful for Sara, Leslie, and everyone else who knew her for years before I did. If this scenario is troubling me- some dude who knew Natalie better than a lot of folks but still not that well- as much as it is, it's gotta be exponentially worse for the people who stood by her for the past decade or more. I'm so very sorry for y'all, and it might not help to know that I don't think I can really, truly talk about what's happened to anyone but her friends. I don't mean to be a burden, but damn if it isn't frustrating to be stuck with just the fuckin' internet at 4:14 AM instead of someone who went to class, got drunk, and talked about books and politics, with her.
I swear to God, if anyone really, really close to me ever does this, they're gonna regret it. The minute I reach the hereafter I'm gonna beat the shit out of, or ignore, them, whichever will hurt most, for several lifetimes.
Yeah, Nat, I'm pissed off at you, but try as I might, I can't begrudge your decision. I'm just heartbroken that's what it took to get away from it all. The only thing that would be more selfish than what you did would be to demand that you remain here, unhappy, just so we wouldn't be.
Fuck me, though, I'm sorry that I've thought more about you in the past few days than I have over the last two years.
Like I said at your funeral, take it easy.
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