Self vs. Self

At some point between one o'clock and three o'clock this afternoon, I decided to make an effort to curb my addiction to both tobacco and alcohol. The former is much stronger and undeniably physical; I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day. The latter is almost entirely psychological (as is the smoking, but I can go without booze and not feel physically thrown off); I drink about three or four beers a day. Come my days off, both cigarettes and alcohol are consumed in greater quantity.

I've never planned to quit drinking. Ever. Cut back, yes, and I do so periodically just to ensure that I'm not really a dipsomaniac. Smoking, on the other hand, is one of those things I've told myself I will eventually stop doing completely, though I also tell myself that if I could curb my nicotine intake to about five gaspers a day, I would never actually quit. Needless to say, I've failed to both quit and cut back, until today.

"Today," of course, means nothing. I've smoked seven cigarettes, and will smoke no more until tomorrow, because I purposely left my Luckies at work and am too lazy to go buy more if a nic fit strikes. I've had one tallboy and half a glass of wine, but there are three unopened bottles in the kitchen, so if I want another drink I can have one. I don't want one, though, because I'm trying to make today become tomorrow, in the sense that I've had my daily limit and must wait. It's an exercise in willpower.

And man, do I fuckin' hate exercises in willpower. Not because of any difficulty, per se, but because contemplating my own ambiguity re: my habits irks the shit out of me. I wish I could just say "fuck it, I'm gonna keep smoking, consequences be damned," or "nope, this is it, as of right now," but I can't. Or won't. I can't tell. You can surely see the quandary I'm in. It's not so much about alcohol or tobacco vs. willpower as determination one way or another.

Say I do quit smoking. Then what? Yeah, I get healthier, but I'm missing out on something I genuinely love. (I don't mind being an addict at all, but like all addicts, I can only say that until my fix is no longer available, and the withdrawals kick in.) It's this kind of thing that gets me, and not being able to choose one way or another just makes it even more frustrating.

Fuck it. I don't want to think about this right now. Viva the intellectual cop-out!