Everyone knows what today is, but instead of bitterly railing against all the sneaky shit I usually would on such an occasion, I'm going to list some things that truly make America great. Fuck politics, fuck terrorism, fuck the media, and fuck "patriotism."

Here's a few things that really make America worth a damn, in the order they occur to me:

Rock n' roll.
Texas.
Tobacco.
Bourbon.
Comic books.
Beautiful women.
Literature.
Inescapable weirdness.
Joe Bob Briggs.
Muscle cars.

I don't feel like thinking of anything else. This list could have just as easily been compiled by a redneck, but that's the beauty of America. Too bad it's run by liars, thieves, morons, and whores. But what country ain't?

Let's hurry up and have a revolution.